The truth disguised in all your alibis
It’s a tradition practiced
Every time you say goodbye

I’ve tried so hard
to be what you needed
your imaginary enemy
I’ve tried for so long
to make you believe it
that I am not the enemy

Slipshod cavalier
I can’t stand to see those things that
you have taken for granted
thrown away everything you’ve been handed
Too much all at once that’s how you got so ungrateful
All you saw was the burden
standing beside all your blessed truths
disguised in all you alibis
It’s a tradition practiced
every time you say goodbye

I’ve tried so hard
to be what you needed
your imaginary enemy
I’ve tried for so long
to make you believe it
that I am not the enemy
imaginary enemy

we made eachother better/
you made me a memory/

well, nostalgia kills, weather eyes/
think of settling/
when you think of anyone but me/

you know i’m a broken mirror/
but atleast i can see/
what is rite in front of me/

you’re pretty, vicious/
playing innocent/
doesn’t equal innocence/
you’re pretty, vicious/

eyes to die for, but i didn’t think you had it in you.

without her.
not a crutch;
aconstantheart
he trusts her beat
to balance him.

hand on the wall, fingernails searching

eyes stung,
head spun;
sleephasn’tfoundhim
he trusted her breath
to rock-a-bye him.

knees buckling, like he is

without her.
hands shaken;
hepraysforherhappiness
he trusted himself
to love her soul.

Please stay until I’m gone
I’m here hold on to me
I’m right here
Waiting

I see, a light it feels good
And I’ll come back soon just like you would
It’s useless, my name has made the list
And I wish, I gave you one last kiss

Please stay until I’m gone
I’m here hold on to me
I’m right here
Waiting and take
My one last breath, and don’t forget
That I will be right here
Waiting

Please stay until I’m gone
I’m here hold on to me
I’m right here
Waiting and take
My one last breath, and don’t forget
That I will be right here
Waiting

/not now/ blink 182

‘without compass,
he wandered the earth.
found north for a season,
then he lost her.’

one/ “limousine” – brand new
two/ “wendy clear” – blink 182
three/ “crystal baller” – third eye blind
four/ “across the lines” – tracy chapman
five/ “fire and rain” – james taylor
six/ “head-on collision” – new found glory
seven/ “crash” – dave matthews band
eight/ “a fault line, a fault of mine” – underoath
nine/ “third planet” – modest mouse
ten/ “the take over, the break’s over” – fall out boy
eleven/ “scarecrow” – skillet
twelve/ “he stopped loving her today” – george jones
thirteen/ “bleed American” – jimmy eat world
fourteen/ “wolves at night” – manchester orchestra
fifteen/ “in fear and faith” – circa survive
sixteen/ “everything you want” – vertical horizon
seventeen/ “cute without the ‘e’(cut from the team)” – taking back Sunday
eighteen/ “still fighting it” – ben folds
nineteen/ “i will follow you into the dark” – death cab for cutie
twenty/ “revolution 9” – the beatles
twentyone/ “the world is our ____” – this will destroy you
twentytwo/ “something in the way(acoustic)” – nirvana
twentythree/ “letters to god” – boxcar racer
twentyfour/ “the world has turned and left me here” – weezer
twentyfive/ “real world” – matchbox twenty
]]> http://circasuicide.wordpress.com/2009/12/15/twenty-five-to-life/feed/ 0 circasuicide http://circasuicide.wordpress.com/2009/12/04/instrumental/ http://circasuicide.wordpress.com/2009/12/04/instrumental/#comments Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:40:23 +0000 circasuicide http://circasuicide.wordpress.com/?p=28 ]]> holding me down/
one foot on my throat
one on the asphalt/
but i’m not staying here
from under the graves of saints/
and i’ve got sinner hands to dig me out

i feel like this these days. i can’t really explain it. i feel like pete wrote these lyrics that seem boisterous, more in a, ‘please leave me alone. i can say i’m not bothered but inside your words are killing me‘ way than a, ‘whatever; you can’t touch me.’ kind of way.

this song really makes me emotional and i identify with that sentiment, even if my interpretation is off; i feel it all the same.

the world is at my door
making good on promises
i heard a hundred years ago
boards and nails in hand\
i need someone with
boards and nails in their hands
if i make it out of this with a heartbeat
if i make it out at all\
i’m bringing a candle to your grave
i’m coming down from under all these saints

the world is breathing down my neck these days. i’ve been looking for a job since january. i got one in july and it shut down in october; so now i’m looking again. the economy is feeling down, too. i can relate, but i have no sympathy.

all i want is a decent job. let me define decent:  pays enough money for me to be able to pay my bills and have a little extra to buy a record or a book here and there. a place i don’t absolutely hate to go to. that’s all i want. i thought i had a job at t-mobile; i was sure of it. but i didn’t get it. meanwhile i’m dependant on others for money for bills, food, gas, etc. and i despise it. not to mention, when you’re in debt to someone, you have to take their shit. i get up early six days a week and look for jobs. that’s all a person can do.

i don’t pray much, or read my bible. i don’t really understand why. i always feel better when i do. maybe it’s all apart of my depression. maybe i subconsciously avoid doing the things i need to do so i stay depressed. what if depression isn’t a chemical imbalance, but a personality disorder? if i get happy, do i do so with blood on my hands?

i thought take this to your grave was hands down, no argument, no need to think twice, my favorite fall out boy album. but the more i think about it, infinity on high is the clear winner. i was in a horrible state of mind and life when that album came out and it helped. it kept me alive. not by how i responded to it; it was more like life support. i’ll always stand behind this band. as a whole, and in a special, untouchable chamber of my heart is where i keep pete wentz. i’m twenty-five, a boy, and don’t shop at hot topic. i’m not in the demographic to love him, and i couldn’t care less. see where your embarrassment goes when someone has saved your life.

it doesn’t vanish, or disappear, or sort of melt away or time. it never existed.

so i guess i’ll keep getting up early and keep looking. i believe god is faithful even when i am not. because he promised to be. and i’ve promised a thousand times the same.

/i’m so sorry
words that hit the floor
long before they reach your ears
are you tired of me?
i haven’t slept in years
i’m so sorry
words that hit the floor\

it’s such a strange feeling knowing you mean what you say, but that you won’t follow through. like a lie you haven’t owned up to yet. when you know you will fail, you tell the future, the future doesn’t tell you. i guess i’m a crystal baller. i wish i was telling the fortune of another.

‘if we ever changed or saved your life, know you did the same for us.’
- pete wentz, believers never die/greatest hits booklet

apparently i have, ‘small, wirey veins’. i kind of like that. i imagine daniel plainview had small, wirey veins and he turned out fine.

on the upside, i was able to watch saved by the bell reruns in the waiting room.

oh, zach, will you ever learn?

i dug your name into that tree by the river,

the one you used to sit beneath in the summer

chopped it down when you stabbed me in the back,

i’m finally getting used to the sharpest pains.

something is going to happen soon. i’m not sure what, or where, or when, or why, or how, or any other details. i feel something breathing down my rosary neck.

say a prayer to (insert saint here), get a word put in for me. good or bad, as long as i’m on the tip of someone’s tongue, or in the back of their throats. i live to be your good-time gossip. i’d die to be your no-escape goat.

i get high off of memories of making my mind a blur. there’s nothing appealing about finding prescription pills so damn appealing.

fall down just to feel a little bit more in touch with the friends you left behind. you’re ten times more amazing than any mirror’s opinion. i hope you appreciate sarcasm. i know sarcasm appreciates you.

face down, tasting condemned floors.

he reached for his guns, you unloaded yours/

hot smoke, rings true, to regret would be a let down.

blood pours/

remember how this doesn’t feel.

now you’re alone/

rest.

crash was a great movie. it really pushes the envelope and makes you look eye-to-eye and feel true emotion.

i bought into the wild and i can’t wait to experience it. i want to direct.

i’ll start with giving myself a role in this indie film of a life.

in vein>in vain/

remember everything.